#tw: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

[sortofanobsession]

Bright lights and futures (Ted Lasso Fic) RoyJamie Time travel AU

A/N:  This came to existence because of this comment thread on Ao3.

Summary: Based on the request: can you also do a ted lasso season 1 one where the team and the coachs react to jamie and roys future please. so have that its time travel but they cant interact with the future they can only listen and watch them so so the future cant see them

Time travel AU

Ao3

Ted Lasso Masterlist

Paring: Roy x Jamie (Romantic), Jamie x Ted (platonic), Roy x Ted (platonic), Keeley x Jamie (platonic, formerly romantic), Roy x Colin Hughes (platonic) 

Content warning: Cursing/Swearing, Mentions of abuse, Mentions of physical violence, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Childhood trauma, repression

Jamie had met up with a few Man City players that were in town for the night.  A few of them were less than sober by the time they ended up in a curios shop. Jamie was looking at this weird little gadget that had a glowing rock in it. He thought it looked awesome but didn't let the others know because they thought it was stupid. He agreed it was just some overpriced bauble. But as had been the theme of the night, one of the other players challenges him to buy it. And Jamie wasn't one to back down from a challenge. So he ended up buying the stupid thing. He ended up tossing it in his bag in his car before heading back out with them.

 The next morning he was almost late for training. 

"What the fuck is in your bag?" Roy asked as he passed by Jamie's open bag on the bench, a slight glow coming from inside it.

Jamie laughed a bit as he adjusted his shin guards after lacing his boots. "Forgot that was in there," Jamie says, picking it up. "Some bauble from a shop one of the lads made me buy after drinks."

"Pretty fucking stupid to get pissed when you have training in the morning," Roy says.

"Didn't know I had a curfew, granddad," Jamie says in his usual snarky tone. "It kinda looks cool. No idea what makes it glow." He offers it to Roy to look at. "Thought a fossil like you would appreciate a rock."

"Looks fucking weird," Roy reaches out to take it, and the thing starts making and odd noise and emitting a bright light when they both have a hold of it. A blinding flash of light stuns them both for a few seconds. 

"Fucking hell," Roy groans as he rubs at his eyes. "Are you taking the piss with that fucking thing, Tartt?" Roy growls. "Because if this isn't a fucking joke..."

"What the fuck?" Jamie says when he looks around the locker room. They were stunned for a few seconds but things were very different. His bag is not where it had been, and the glowing bauble was gone. "What the fuck?" Jamie repeats. 

Roy just grunts and looks around. "Fucking mental," he says when he notices his cubby has a different name and he is nowhere to be found. It was so similar but different. 

"Oi, Kent," Jamie says, calling him over to look at a newspaper on Ted's desk. "This is a fucking joke, yeah?" The paper says it's two years later than the one Roy had seen tossed on the desk before. This was insane. It was literally impossible for that to be right. 

They go looking for the others and find they are in the middle of a fucking match, and they are watching themselves but not exactly. Roy is on the sidelines dealing with players, one of which is a longer-haired Jamie. 

"Fucking unreal," Roy says. "What sort of fucking uncanny, wonderland bullshit did you fucking get us into?" 

"More like Doctor Who," Jamie points out. Roy glares at him. Jamie looks back out to the pitch, the match well underway by the time on the scoreboard. 

"I look fucking fit," Jamie grins. 

"Of course, that's what you fucking notice," Roy says. 

"Well, what else am I supposed to notice? That whatever or whenever this is, this you admitted he's clearly too old to play."

"Fuck off, Tartt," Roy glares at him before looking at the way the other version of Jamie plays. Roy would probably never admit it out loud, but this Jamie played just as well, if not better, than the usual prick. Roy grins when he notices the positioning. "Looks like you're not the same striker here. Practically a midfielder."

"At least I'm still in the fucking game, old man."

Roy laughs at the petulant tone and insult. Fucking Jamie Tartt. They watch until half, and when no one even looks at them, they wonder for like the hundredth time what the fuck was happening. No one has noticed them. No one has even looked at them. Anyone that looks their way seems to be looking through them. Jamie goes over and waves a hand in front of Will's face. No reaction. 

"Oi, Will!" Jamie shouts in the kitman's face.

"Fucking hell, Tartt, haven't you harassed enough kitmen for one lifetime?" Roy grunts. 

"I was testing a- what do you call it? That is a word that is like hypno-. That's not it. Like a theory but-"

"Hypothesis," Roy says. "And theory would have been fine. A theory is a confirmed hypothesis. But most people wouldn't have corrected you."

"Oh, you a scientist now, old man?" Jamie smirks.

"You're the one testing hypotheses, you prick. My 6-year-old niece can grasp these concepts. I'm sure your tiny brain can handle it."

"Fucking rude," Jamie mutters and focuses back on watching what is happening. 

They are even more confused when they find alternate versions of themselves talking to each other as they leave the pitch. 

Long after they win and most of the team has headed out. Jamie can't believe it when the other version of him knocks on the door of the gaffer's office and asks Roy if he's ready. The idea of either of them waiting for the other seems insane. And from the shock he sees on his Roy's face he must agree. But he isn't really his Roy. Just his teammate. His rival, Roy. Jamie wants to slap the alternate version of himself as he openly smiles and ogles this other version of Roy as he puts on his jacket. They were supposed to be over that. The version of Roy Kent he had looked up to as a kid didn't exist. The real Roy Kent was a fucking prick. Hated his guts. Never really gave Jamie a chance, just assumed the Jamie he saw in the press was the real Jamie. So Jamie leaned into it. Embraced the prick his dad had always told him to be. All hard edges, distance, and ego. And fuck, it was exhausting, but he was good at it. The quiet of the office was not awkward or filled with tension.

Roy noticed how at ease this bizarre version of Jamie was, how he seemed to have actual friends on the team, not followers. That he actually noticed things about them. Contributed to conversations not about himself. And that had thrown Roy off. Especially the way he and Sam seemed close. Like Jamie cared about Sam and vice versa. This Jamie actually seemed to care a lot. And that made Roy wonder what made this Jamie so relaxed and at home in Richmond. The more he watched this unusual Jamie, the more he wondered if this Jamie could exist beneath the fucking bullshit Jamie Tartt usually presented himself to be. And then Roy is watching the other version of himself look at the other Jamie with a fond familiarity that was almost painful to watch. He hadn't missed the way the team had looked up to this Roy as a coach. Being captain was one thing, but being a coach. That meant something. 

But what froze Roy on the spot was watching the other version of himself throw his arm over Jamie's shoulder, and that version of Jamie leaned into him with a fucking smile. Not a smirk or a grin, a genuine smile as they headed to the car park. More shocked when they got into the same car. And Roy is pretty sure his Jamie, not that he fucking owned him or shit, his brain short circuits when once inside the future versions of them fucking kiss.

"Fucking nightmare," he grumbles when at the flat. Somehow they can never get far beyond where the future versions are before whatever the forces and light is that keeps them there corrects them. They are apparently meant to be seeing something and won't be going anywhere else until whatever is happening, happens. 

"If these are your nightmares, Kent, I would fucking pay to see your dreams."The future versions kiss again in the privacy of the flat.

"Fuck you, Tartt," he grunts.

"Looks like this you might, like damn Roy, didn't know you had it in you." Jamie laughs when Roy growls at him. And fuck, that sound combined with the fact this future version of them were a thing. It was almost too much for Jamie. It was like watching some toned-down version of his teenage self's fantasy. 

"You're enjoying whatever the fuck this is, aren't you, you little prick?" Roy glares.

"Fuck yeah," Jamie smirks. "If only because it is pissing you off, granddad."

"Fucking hell," Roy groans. He is glad when this new Jamie goes off to watch TV or something while Roy heads to the kitchen. It's not a place Roy recognized, so it must be Jamie's place, but this Roy knows his way around. He clearly knows where everything is. He wonders how much time he had spent there. He goes through the familiar motions of making tea, and then the Jamie that lives here joins him. Getting the rest of what they, Roy could only assume, usually have with tea. He watches as this version of himself just shakes his head as Jamie gathers snacks.

"Why do this domestic shit? The team always goes out after a win?" Jamie asks as the scene before them plays out. 

"For what? Pull in some random girl for one night when clearly you have someone at home?" Roy asks, genuinely curious. From what he could tell, Jamie was a bit shit as a partner to Keeley, but the shit he was watching unfold now. That was some domestic, happy couple shit. And Roy did not know how to feel about that. Everything shifts, and there is another flash of light. 

When their eyes adjust, Jamie stares. He knew this place. "Fuck me," he says.

Roy looks over at Jamie when he says it. And after what they had already seen, Roy's knee-jerk reaction is, "Fuck no." And he says it. But Roy is watching Jamie, not future Jamie but his Jamie now. And Jamie looks like he is genuinely excited.

"The fuck are we?" Roy asks.

"Amsterdam," Jamie answers.

"The fuck are you so happy about, Tartt?" 

"Because why not? Live a little, you old twat," Jamie says with a glare as he watches himself jog around the city, spouting facts off to Roy, who just sort of fondly takes it all in. 

Roy still couldn't get over the fact that this version of himself was not only tolerating Jamie but fucking dating him. Like the team clearly knew it. The staff did. Did the public? Oh, that was fucking terrifying to think about. No one did that in the leagues they played in. No one. Some players fucked around in private, but no one ever had serious relationships. No one ever told their teammates. Both Roy and Jamie are surprised at how long it takes future Roy to actually get annoyed at future Jamie’s tour of the city. The exhausted version of Roy asks Jamie how he knows so much about Amsterdam. And Jamie from the past sighs as future Jamie tells Roy a bit about his past trips there. 

Both Roys seem annoyed when Jamie insists on bikes. Both Jamies are shocked that Roy doesn’t know how to ride a bike. Their reactions differ. Past Roy didn’t like having something so personal exposed. Future Roy was a bit pissed when Jamie and the man laughed, but he gets it. He could admit it was a stupid thing that was counterproductive to honoring his grandfather’s memory. Past Jamie thought it was absolutely hilarious, but part of him hurt that Roy had missed that bit of normal childhood and how much Roy not being there for his granddad affected him. Future Jamie, well, he wasn’t about to just let that go. 

The time travelers watched in amusement as Jamie teaches a frustrated Roy to ride a bike. No matter how frustrated and angry Roy gets, neither gives up. And future Jamie is so proud when Roy finally gets it. Then they go looking for windmills. Roy is even more shocked when the future duo seems to have a heart-to-heart as they go. 

A heart-to-heart that changes the way the time-traveling Roy views Jamie Tartt. He looks at the more relaxed Jamie, that was telling the future version of Roy about how his dad had treated him in Amsterdam. Roy was horrified. The other version of himself seemed to be handling it much better. Telling him how fucked up it was, but otherwise, just making sure Jamie was okay. Not making a big deal out of it like swapping trauma stories was their norm. And it might be if they are actually dating. And based on the way Roy let Jamie lean into his personal space. They really didn't care who saw it. But the past Jamie wouldn't look at Roy. Watching the alternate versions of themselves are forgotten when Roy goes over and grabs Jamie's shoulder. "Fucking look at me," Roy says. And Jamie does. And he looks broken. "Does your old man still treat you like shit?" 

"Why do you care?" 

"Not a fucking answer, Jamie." And Jamie doesn't know how to explain Roy just using his actual name makes him feel a bit better. Or maybe it's the fact Roy still has a grip on his shoulders, and it for once isn't to fight him. "Jamie."

"He hasn't changed," Jamie says, looking away.

"What else has he done?" Roy growls. 

"Why do you-"

"Because you're on my fucking team, now answer the-"

"What do you think?!" Jamie snaps, pulling away. "So the reason you tense up when anyone approaches you is your dad? The reason you're a defensive prick is because of your dad? You always look like you're expecting a punch isn't just because you are a prick and get into fights because of it, it's-"

"My dad," Jamie finishes. 

"So if you get sent back to Man City…" Roy doesn't finish connecting the dots out loud. And fuck, he hates the dots he connected in his head. 

Roy growls, which makes Jamie wince, and he feels instantly guilty. "Fuck!" Roy shouts but more at himself than Jamie. He groans when Jamie flinches again. And Roy understands why his other self might feel something for Jamie. Jamie looks so much more fragile than the selfish prick he is used to. He looks like a wounded animal, and Roy goes over and hugs him. Jamie braces like Roy is going to hit him, but he relaxes when he realizes it's just a hug. He is confused, but he'll accept it. 

"You're going to tell Ted, aren't you?" Jamie asks, but it's mumbled in Roy's shoulder. 

"Of fucking course," Roy says. "Fucking kill the fucking twat if I see him."

"My dad?" Jamie just keeps getting surprised by Roy's reaction. 

"Some fucking dad," Roy grumbles. "My dad was a prick. Yours is a fucking monster. So why not?"

And Jamie doesn't know how to answer that. The idea of Roy fucking Kent protecting him from his dad was a fantasy he'd long given up on. Back when Roy was just a poster on his wall and a player, he watched on a small screen. But now there in some weird future versions of Amsterdam, Roy hugging him. But the bright light returns, and they are somewhere new. Somewhere Jamie has never been.

Jamie tries not to laugh as future Roy sits at a table with his sister and his niece.

"The fuck is this?" His amusement clear in his tone. 

Roy grumbles. "Uncle's day."

"Uncle's Day? Your niece celebrates Uncle's Day. That is fucking adorable. Love the hat," Jamie grins. 

"Fuck you and say anything about them, and I will-"

They are cut off as Phoebe goes to get the door, and future Jamie comes in. 

"That's National team-"

"It is," Roy says with amusement. "Guess I'm a fucking world-class coach."

"I make the team, and you gloat," Jamie huffs. "But fair point, never made it before that."

Jamie laughs at the way both future versions insist they aren't best friends but Roy's sister gives him a knowing look. 

"Your boyfriend's not your best friend?" Phoebe asks. And shit, hearing it put so blunt is a lot to process. "Who is?"

"Probably Isaac," Jamie says, and even past Roy rolls his eyes. 

"Fuck off," future Roy says. And yeah, they all find that hard to believe. When future Roy opens Jamie's gift, and Jamie explains it, it hits Roy like a fucking brick. Future Roy, of course, fucking loves it. And Roy doesn't miss the way either Jamie reacts to that. The fact that Roy praised him meant more than anything. Roy looked at his Jamie, and even he seemed proud. And that hit Roy again. Jamie just needed someone to tell him he is good and fucking mean it. Most people told him he was good and had something to gain from it. Something they wanted from him. And the fact Jamie knows he's good, and brags about it does turn people off, but no one ever tells Jamie he did well without ulterior motives. Roy grins when Phoebe demands Jamie pay for making her think a bad word. And Jamie hands over the coin.

"Looks like this Jamie came prepared," Roy says.

"And I'm sure has zero regrets," Jamie grins because the other version of himself was clearly having fun. And Phoebe probably had both of them wrapped around her finger. Jamie laughed when Roy opened the colorful tie-dye shirt. Roy glares at him. Future Jamie ended up having to give another coin to Phoebe, and Jamie laughed harder.

When Phoebe and her mum go to prepare for their performance, the future Roy looks at Jamie's gift again. 

"Figured you'd like it, but won't lie, think I look forward to Phoebe's gift more. That is going to be-" that Jamie is cut off by his Roy pulling Jamie into his lap and kissing him. 

"Fucking love it and you," future Roy says, and both the time travelers gape in shock at the fact Roy Kent just admitted his feelings, unprompted and with ease. And feeling for Jamie Tartt, no less. Jamie kisses him this time.

"Fucking love you too. You're coming to the match, so you needed something."

"No one is going to bat an eye at a coach supporting his player by wearing his number," Roy points out. "But I will fucking wear this all the time, but rather not get booted from your first international matches. Especially since the last match at Wembley was a fucking disaster."

"I got to punch my dad, and you gave me a hug." 

"He shows up again, and I'll punch him for you this time," Roy says. "And I'm still wearing your number, so fuck off."

They look up when Roy's sister clears her throat, and Phoebe giggles. Jamie goes to move back to his chair, but Phoebe tells him he can probably see better from there, and that makes future Jamie blush. And the time travelers seriously cannot believe what just happened. Neither says anything. Neither can look at the other. Because Jamie doesn't want Roy to see how much he envies this future version of Jamie. To have Roy's attention and affection is something Jamie dreamed of as a kid. To have Roy fight his dad for Jamie was a big fucking deal to Jamie. And the idea that anyone loves Jamie enough to actually say it makes Jamie want to cry. Because he fucked it all up with Keeley. He always fucks it up. 

Roy doesn't want Jamie to see how much seeing a version of Jamie be so open and happy to be with Roy was almost overwhelming. If this Jamie could be this good and sweet, maybe that's really who Jamie is. And that means he has been so fucking wrong about Jamie, and that is not something Roy is okay with. He owes Jamie an apology. 

The light doesn't get any less unsettling as they get transported back to the future version of the locker room but not for long, as the Roy that was there calls Jamie into the Boot Room. The time travelers keep looking between future Roy and Jamie as things get strange. Future Roy had clearly intended to give Jamie a pep talk. He hadn't expected Jamie to get antsy and upset. 

Past Jamie looks at his Roy when the other version of Roy asks if Jamie is fucking dying or some shit. Past Roy just gestures to how erratic future Jamie is being. When the upset Jamie starts telling his coach and partner how he feels, even time traveling Roy feels bad. 

Without hesitation, that Roy pulled his upset partner into his arms to comfort him. He does his best and calms the sobbing Jamie, but it isn’t enough to get Jamie back to his usual self. 

Roy can understand how upsetting seeing Jamie so out of sorts before a Man City game in Manchester would be. Future Roy loved his Jamie. Seeing him off his game must hurt. But he had to focus on the Jamie he could help. The fact he actually wanted to help Jamie was increasingly easier to accept the more they saw of this future. Seeing Jamie watch himself distressed was confusing and difficult, but he wanted to help him.

And despite all the shit they have been through in their own time. Roy looks at Jamie. "Tartt, I'm here, yeah? Don't forget that." 

And Jamie is surprised by how sincere Roy sounds. He nods but doesn't say anything. 

"No…" Jamie says when he realizes where they are. 

"What? Where are we?" Roy asks as he moves closer to Jamie.

"My Mum's," Jamie says. "Haven't seen her since I got called up."

They both watched silently as Jamie's stepdad welcomes in the future versions of Jamie, Roy, and Keeley. And Roy can't help but notice how nice Jamie's stepdad is. And seeing Jamie with his mum was like watching another version of Jamie together. Roy could understand how shocking the future Roy seemed to be. And thankfully, Keeley was there to keep him in line. Jamie wants to stay with his future self and his mum. Roy can't resist seeing Jamie's room. And yeah, Future Roy is spot on with his take on Jamie's room. Jamie had told him he had a poster from his days in Chelsea. And he was shocked by Keeley's reaction to Jamie's poster of her. Roy obviously knew they dated, but that was surprising. Roy also was shocked at how Keeley and his future self interacted. As they both cared deeply for Jamie and each other and that was a lot to process. He likes Keeley, she was a good friend, but clearly, there was more to it. But he didn't like leaving his Jamie alone after not seeing his mum for so long. So he went back downstairs. He was surprised to see his Jamie sitting on the steps. 

"Too much?" Roy asks. Jamie nods. Roy sits down next to him. He can tell Jamie is holding back tears. 

"I just don't understand why this is happening," Jamie says.

"I wish I had the answer, but I don't," Roy says. "But I've got you." Roy puts an arm around Jamie's shoulder, and without hesitation, Jamie leans in. 

Bright light hits them again, only this time it’s a lot more painful. 

"Are you guys okay?" Dani Rojas is standing over him. Jamie is confused because he is on the floor. Dani helps him sit up. He looks over to see Roy sit up with Sam's help and rub his head. 

"What the fuck?" Roy says, looking over at Jamie before the med team is looking them over and telling them to take the day off. Ted insisted they go home. 

But they aren't actually allowed to drive. Ted tells someone to get them a car. They both change out of their kits. Roy sits on the bench looking at the no longer glowing time travel bauble. 

"Did what I think happen, actually happen?" Jamie says as he sits down beside him. "What do you remember?" 

"A fucking lot," Roy says. "What do you remember?"

"I taught you to ride a bike in Amsterdam for your grandad, and you probably owe your niece a lot of money," Jamie says.

"So that shit with your old man, that's real?" Roy looks at Jamie. And Jamie's instinct is to lie, but Roy looks genuinely worried about him, and Jamie just can't lie to him. Jamie nods. 

"Okay then," Roy says. They head out to the waiting car. Jamie is curious when it's just one. 

"It's possible head trauma, my sister would kill me if I left you alone, and you died when I know the actual risks."

"Okay," Jamie doesn't argue because his head hurts and he is tired. Roy is probably feeling the same way, and Roy is going to stay with him, and he is oddly okay with it. "Fucking knackered so let's go." They get on, and both end up going to Jamie's flat. And that was probably a bad idea because of what they had witnessed happen there, but Jamie was tired. Jamie sets his stuff down. And goes into his kitchen. 

"Tea?" Jamie asks. 

"Sure," Roy says. And Jamie is shocked he didn't just grunts. If Roy was using words, then he probably wanted to talk.

Roy isn't surprised to see everything is in the same spots that he had witnessed Roy's future self use in the kitchen. Roy actually pays attention to where things are, and it catches him off guard because does that mean he genuinely wants that future to happen? Is that even possible now that they know parts of it? Doesn't that automatically change things? Roy rubs at his temples and grunts. Jamie slides a bottle of paracetamol to him. 

"Stupid uncanny, wonderland bullshit apparently gives you a fucking headache," Jamie says. 

And Roy huffs a laugh. "Fucking does."

"All because my prick teammate from Man City challenged me to buy a glowing rock."

"Jamie…" Roy starts, but Jamie turns away when the electric kettle clicks off. 

"I'm sorry you got caught up in that," Jamie says as he prepares two mugs of tea.

"I'm not," Roy says without hesitation, and Jamie stops and looks at him. "The headache is shit, but do you think we would be sitting here having a civil conversation if it didn't happen? No, we'd be at training pushing each other's buttons until we end up in a fight. Or just being pricks. And now I feel like shit because I know-"

"Don't," Jamie says. "Don't tell me you feel guilty. You don't need to. Because I push your buttons on purpose, you know that, right? Because I was raised that attention and glory is all that matters. And I wanted your attention, good or bad, so I picked fights. That is not the same thing as my dad throwing shit at me for missing a goal or backhanding me because I didn't do exactly what he wanted me to do but never actually told me to do. You are not like him. You might be a prick now and again for seemingly no reason, but I'm what did you call me, prince of all pricks? Yeah. I earned that title. You have never come after me without me being a fucking prick first. I did Sam wrong, and you called me on it. I told Isaac and Colin to fuck with Nate after you told me to stop. Because attention is attention, and I was mad that you felt like you could tell me what to do. But the thing is, you can. You're the captain. And if you get to feel shitty about that, then I am so fucking sorry about the granddad thing. You never got to say goodbye to your granddad, and it left a fucking mark. And I kept-"

"Oh fuck off," Roy rolls his eyes. "I can handle the word."

“So, want me to teach you to ride a bike?” Jamie asks, a hopeful look on his face.

“Fucking hell,” Roy grunts.

“Come on, you’ve used a stationary bike, so you get the idea. You just need the balance. It’s a useful skill to have in this city, and well, you won't have to admit to anyone else that-”

“Fine, but not today. My fucking head is killing me.”

“Works for me,” Jamie grins. 

The next day at training, Roy walks in, and Ted looks up at him. "I need to fucking talk to you," Roy says.

"Something wrong?" Ted nods.

"Yes," Roy says, and that is a red flag for Ted. It wasn't just a grunt. He closes the door to the office behind them, and it's just the two of them.

"No matter what fucking happens, you cannot let them recall Jamie to Manchester," Roy says.

Ted is confused. "Why would we-"

"Doesn't fucking matter why!" Roy shouts, and Ted stares at him because Roy sounds almost desperate. "He cannot go back to Manchester. He can't go back to his old man."

"Why not? I'm confused. You don't even like Jamie Tartt. Don't want him on your team."

"Because his fucking father beats the shit out of him if he doesn't score a goal or if he doesn't do what he says or-"

"He what?" And Ted is actually upset now. He goes out into the locker room to find Jamie. And Jamie seems to know what is coming when he looks at Roy. And it is like Jamie just deflates. His shoulders drop. The facade of bravado falls. And it makes a few of the other players do a double-take. 

"Yes, coach?" Jamie asks despite knowing what he is most likely going to say.

"Is it true?" Ted asks. "About your father?" 

Jamie looks over at Roy, who just nods. 

"Yeah. He-" Before Jamie even finished saying it. He was being hugged by Ted. And it's like a fucking dam breaks because Jamie realizes he finally has people on his side that he didn't have to spend money to keep around. People that want to protect him. And Jamie fucking cries. The entire locker room goes quiet. Everyone is in shock. Ted ends up half dragging Jamie into the office to talk. Jamie tells him what had happened the day before, what they saw. Even about the game and something they heard future Roy discuss with Ted and Beard before the City match. Ted had called Total Football. The team looks at Roy.

"What just happened?" Colin asks, looking between Roy and the door. 

"You see Jamie's dad, James fucking Tartt, anywhere around Richmond, you tell me so his fucking teeth meet the pavement," Roy states. 

"Seriously, bruv," Isaac looks at Roy. "What happened?" 

"He has spent Jamie's whole fucking like smacking him around and telling him he's worthless. Did fucking unspeakable shit. Fucker should be in jail, but Jamie doesn't want a fucking scandal. So we deal with it in fucking house. You hear me? James fucking Tartt doesn't get anywhere near him."

"You and Jamie best mates now?" Colin asks in shock.

"That a fucking problem, Hughes?"

"What?! No, just that-"

"Just what?" Roy glares at him.

"The other day, you threatened to use his balls as a speed bag and then threatened all of us at the club." Isaac is confused.

"And you headbutted me," Colin says. 

"And you fucking deserved it," Roy states. "Things fucking changed. You think I don't feel like a right prick for threatening that shit after finding out his old man treats him like a fucking punching bag? I'm not a fucking monster. Might fucking seem like I have a cold heart, but it's still a fucking heart." Roy storms off.

"What the fuck happened to them yesterday?" One of the players says. They all agree. 

"He's right, though," Isaac says. "Jamie might be a prick, but he is still on our team. If his old man is a monster, then we keep him away, yeah?"

They all agree. 

"You want me to what?" Rebecca looks at Ted like he is insane.

"Buy out Jamie's Man City contract."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because if they recall him, we either lose both him and Roy Kent because Roy will feel obligated to go and protect Jamie. Or Jamie goes back to a very bad situation at home."

"Why does Roy Kent feel obligated to protect Jamie Tartt of all people? They can't even stand being in the same room."

"Not anymore," Ted says, earning a confused look from his boss. "Roy learned that Jamie's father has been abusing him for years. It's why Jamie didn't mind being loaned to Richmond. He could get distance from his father and be the star of a team like his dad wanted him to be. But it's for the wrong team now, and his dad makes sure he remembers that I guess. It's just a big mess. And if we send Jamie back, we send him right back to the man that goes out of his way to not only tear Jamie down but physically hits him. And I cannot have that on my conscience. Can you?"

Rebecca frowns. Well, that might muck up her plans. She might be a bitch, but is she really that heartless? Jamie could end up dead. And that would be on her hands. But if she wants to get back at Rupert, Jamie Tartt and Roy Kent being buddies could be a problem. 

"I'm sure that won't happen. Pep Guardiola wouldn't risk his players like that. Once he is made aware of the situation-"

"How is Pep supposed to protect him when he isn't at the club? What happens when Jamie's father finds out he's blacklisted from matches and his meal ticket cut off? He shouts and hits Jamie if he misses a goal. You really think he is going to just let that go?" 

"Jamie is an adult and is allowed to decide how to go about his life. So is Roy Kent."

"You cannot be serious," Ted says.

"No one is being recalled at the moment," Rebecca states. "You are getting worked up over something that isn't even happening. Go back to work, Ted. Do your job right, and City will have no reason to recall him any time soon." 

Ted storms out. 

"Fuck," Jamie curses when Ted comes back angry. Jamie looks across the room at Roy. 

Roy comes over. He looks at the office where Ted is talking animatedly to Beard and pacing. 

"Ted is not happy," Jamie says. "Which mean Ms. Welton-"

"Don't worry about it," Roy says. 

"But-"

"You don't have to worry. You don't have to do this alone," Roy says with a sincerity that caught Jamie off guard.

"You going to follow me to Manchester?" Jamie jokes. 

"Told Ted I would," Roy states.

"You what?" Jamie looks at him like he's insane. "That's mental. You'd be throwing away-"

"My knee is already fucked. And apparently, I make a decent fucking coach. I'm sure I could-"

Jamie surges forward and kisses Roy. He had seen his future self do it, but now he could understand why he would actually do it. Roy fucking Kent offering to throw away everything he has worked for for Jamie. 

The team shouts at them, and Roy just flips them off. 

"Don't be fucking stupid," Jamie says. "Your niece needs you. She already has a shit dad that abandoned her. You don't get to leave her for me."

"And what about your shit dad," Roy says. 

"Then we make sure Man City has no reason to recall him." They look up to see Ted standing there. He smiles at them. "Look at you two being all cute." 

"That a problem?" Roy asks.

"No way, Jose," Ted grins. "Right, fellas?" They look over at the rest of the team. They all agree it's not really a big deal. Colin actually seems off about it, and Roy would have to remember to talk to him.

"Like I said, we'll just have to make sure they have no reason to call him back. So get out there and make sure. To the pitch!" Ted says, and everyone heads out. The team actually congratulates Roy and Jamie on being happy and telling them if anyone gives them shit, even Jamie's dad, they have their backs. And Jamie feels lighter than he has in ages. 

Roy pulls Colin aside as they wrap up training for the morning.

"Are we going to have a fucking problem, Hughes?"

"What? No! Why would we-"

"When Ted asked if the team had issues about Jamie and me-"

"Shit," Colin put his hands up like he meant no harm. "I'm sorry, you won't have to worry about anything from me. I just…I didn't think anyone else on the team…" Colin can't bring himself to admit it quite yet, even if he now knows Roy and Jamie could probably understand how he felt.

"Oh," Roy says, relaxing. "So you…” Colin nods. Roy continues, “Huh. Well, you're not alone.  If anyone, I mean fucking anyone, gives you shit, let me know. Out or not, no pressure. Didn't exactly plan on it coming out the way it did."

"But that's just a very Jamie Tartt way, yeah?" Colin chuckled.

"Fucking right," Roy agrees. 

When they break for lunch, Jamie checks his phone. He has a message from Keeley to call him. So he does. 

"Hey Keeley, whats-"

"You kissed Roy Kent!" She shouts. 

"Jesus, Keeley, the team might not care, but you can't go fucking shouting it out like that. Could ruin both our careers."

"Yeah, sorry, babe, but what the hell? Last thing I knew, you were toasting his death and picking fights in the locker room." 

"We went through something weird yesterday and bonded, I guess."

"Bonded," Keeley mocks. "You kissed him in front of your whole team. That is more than-"

"I told him about my dad," Jamie says. Keeley knows he has a very bad relationship with his dad, but she never asked for details. 

"And it's bad enough that Roy Kent is now your number one fan?"

"Something like that," Jamie says. 

"Huh," Keeley says and is quiet for a minute.

"Still there?" Jamie asks. 

"Yeah," Keeley says. "I don't understand what happened, but if you're happy, that's good."

"Thanks, Keeley. And I'm sorry. You deserved better than the way I treated you."

"That means a lot to me, Jamie. It really does."

Jamie looks up to see Roy looking at him. 

"Well, I mean it. Gotta go, Keeley," he says.

"Text me all the juicy details," Keeley says. Jamie laughs but doesn't tell her no. They both say goodbye and hang up.

"Keeley," Jamie says, and when Roy gives him a curious look as they go to grab lunch in the canteen.

Roy frowns, and Jamie has to bite back a grin. 

"Someone must have told her that I kissed you because-"

"What?" Roy looks pissed now. Jamie pulls him aside. 

"She won't tell anyone. As mad as she ever might be at me, she isn't going to out anyone. Keeley's…well, she gets it. Trust me. She won't tell anyone. And I apologized for being a prick. Then she told me to text her, so I think we're okay now." Jamie grins. He looks at Roy, who still looks unsure. "You trust me, yeah?"

And Roy looks at Jamie like really looks at him. He can tell Jamie isn't joking around anymore. 

"Yes, Jamie. I trust you." And Roy knows he said the right thing because Jamie smiles up at him like Roy, indeed, was his hero. Like he means the whole fucking world to him now. And fuck, everything they saw of the future just makes more and more sense. Because Roy doesn't want Jamie to stop looking at him like that. And that is a new and heady feeling for Roy. 

"I want to tell you your fucking beautiful, but I know it'll just boost your ego," Roy says in a low tone. And Jamie hadn't expected his body to react the way it did because the combination of Roy fucking Kent being so close to him, his voice low and soft like that, and his fucking words makes Jamie want to drop to his knees in the fucking hallway and choke on Roy Kent's dick. And the thought of that has Jamie's own dick half-hard. Jamie looks around before dragging Roy back and into the boot room. He barely glances around before he kisses Roy.

"You can't just fucking say shit like that in the fucking hallway," Jamie is breathless, his words spoken against Roy's lips. 

"Then don't fucking look at me like I fucking hung the moon," Roy says, kissing him again.

"Can't help it, too happy."

Roy growls.

They separate as the door opens, and Will looks at them and walks back out. Jamie laughs, and Roy groans. 

"Lunch?"

"Lunch," Roy agrees and follows him out of the room. Jamie sends an apologetic but somehow still smug look at Will. Will nods and hurries into the boot room.

Roy is livid when they find out Jamie is being recalled to Man City. Ted cannot believe it either. They had done everything right, but he had benched Jamie once to try a new technique Jamie and Roy had suggested because they had seen it in the future. And Jamie is oddly calm. 

"I'm going with you," Roy insists. 

"No, you aren't," Jamie says. "Because the team needs you, Phoebe needs you." 

"What about you?" Roy asks.

"Roy," Jamie says in all seriousness. 

"Don't fucking 'Roy' me," Roy growls. 

"I need you to trust me," Jamie says. 

"I do, but this is fucking bullshit," Roy seethes. 

"I know," Jamie says. "But I can handle it."

"And what about us?"

"That is why I need you to trust me because I like us. I don't want to end it. But we both have contracts." 

"If your old man so much as fucking touches you, I will fucking drive up there and kill him."

"I know you will," Jamie smiles at him. 

"I don't want you to go," Roy admits. 

"I don't want to go," Jamie assures him. "But give me a chance to sort it out. Pep is a reasonable person. He's isn't Ted, but he'll listen."

"Tell him about your old man."

"No need." They look up to see Ted approach them. 

"What?" Jamie looks at him in confusion. 

"I talked to Higgins, and he got me in touch with Pep. He stopped the recall."

"He did?" Roy asks. 

"At first, he said he'd make sure your father wasn't allowed near Etihad Stadium. I asked him what you were supposed to do when not with the team. You can't just live in the locker room. And Pep may have pull on the pitch and in the building, but he can't protect you out in the rest of Manchester. So until we can come up with a better plan, he agreed you can stay in Richmond. He agrees your safety is what is important." With that, the facade breaks. Jamie was so relieved he actually cries. Roy holds him close as he does. 

"Thanks, Coach," Roy says.

"I gave you my word that you didn't have to worry. I meant it. Besides, the team was just starting to get good. Can't just let that go. What kind of coach would I be?"

They both agreed with that. 

"Let's go tell the boys," Ted says. Jamie scrubs at his face with his sleeve and gets an eye roll from Roy as he does before Roy more gently dries Jamie's tear-tracked face. 

"Aww, you two are too cute," Ted says. Roy growls at him.

"Nope, still cute." Ted heads to the locker room to tell the team Jamie was staying. He'd deal with a pissed off Rebecca later if he had to.

[blessed-bruises]

˚₊‧ ⊰ ⸸ ⊱ ‧₊˚

[fragmented-artist]

X

Blaine

[horygory]

Smile (2022)

[bipolarmango]

Therapy takes time.

Unlearning behaviour takes times, even if not proceeding with that behaviour would make sense in your head.

Let's normalize that going to therapy for a few times won't probably magically turn your life around, especially if you come from years of trauma or mental health issues (or both). Cut yourself some slack for not magically just dropping and unlearning the coping mechanism you have learned and kept for years, sometimes for decades, in order to survive. It's a process, and you're doing it at your own pace.

[ceruleanmindpalace]

Inktober No. 31 - Haunted

Sherlock is haunted by his past.

From @bluebellofbakerstreet's amazing promptlist for Inktober 2023

.

Sorry for just vanishing for two weeks, things were (and still are) quite difficult for me at the moment. The actual topic of this Inktober work is what I am struggling with most at the moment. We are shaped by our pasts and the marks of it can make our present dark and dull. What happened in childhood can feel impossible to shake off and haunt us for our entire life.

I am flattered if you reblog, but do NOT post my art on other sites/social media or use in any other way without my written permission.

[faceless-is-a-mess]

MY THOUGHTS ARE KILLING ME!!!!!!

[nerve0-0damage]

People act as if religious trauma can be "fixed" with religion as if it's not a trigger.

[fragmented-artist]

X

Blaine

[odiabonecessario]

You dying wouldn't be enough to satisfy my anger if you didn't feel what you made me go through

[bipolarmango]

Stuff my therapist says that's hurtful but true

If, as a child, you had to constantly earn approval or fend off criticism, you may unconsciously seek partners who trigger similar patterns, perhaps in hopes of finally “winning” validation or being “enough” in a way you couldn’t achieve with early caregivers.

[spookietrex]

I'm so thankful that my therapist encourages me to write letters to my abusers, even if I'll never send them.

[4spooniesupport]

I assure you the trauma is not all in your head. it's also in your heart, your nerves, and your stomach. It is in your trembling hands, your uneven breathing, your vision is suddenly gets blurry. It's not just your head that went through the thing. every cell in your body was there

[sortofanobsession]

hi! i’ve genuinely read every single one of your roy/jamie fics and i’m obsessed with your writing!

i’d love an angsty established relationship fic — they get into a fight or break up but they’re trying to not have it affect the team or jamie’s playing but it’s hard when they have to see each other everyday. so the team + coaches try to parent trap them back together x

A/N There was a second ask that added this: i just wanted to add i love the way u depict darker themes so diving into their respective unhealthy coping mechanisms for dealing with the breakup would be amazing to read! x

I honestly wanted to keep what breaks them up vague, because I thought it was bit more interesting wondering. I have what I think it was, and I drop hits. But I might save that for it's own thing...maybe not sure.

Word count: 6k+

Ao3

Ted Lasso Masterlist

Paring: Roy x Jamie (Romantic), Jamie x Ted (platonic), Roy x Ted (platonic), Keeley x Jamie (platonic, formerly romantic), Jamie x AFC Richmond Himbos (platonic, duh, but Sam, Dani and Jamie are besties)

Content warning: Anxiety, nausea, mentions of vomiting, heavy drinking, mentions of violence, fear, paranoia, manipulation, injury, self-esteem issues, ptsd, self-deprecation, swearing/cursing/cussing, jealousy.

It’s Phoebe, so yeah

Roy had been staying with his sister until he could find a new place, and as much as he loved his sister and Phoebe, it was frustrating.

"Just admit you miss Jamie," his sister said as she sipped her tea as her brother prepared for training.

"Like a hole in my head," Roy says. 

"You don't think just abruptly stopping his training will mess with his game?"

"So you think I should have stayed in a failing relationship so he doesn't suck?"

"I am just saying, don't take shit out on him or the team. You aren't the only one miserable here," his sister says. 

"You think I'm that unprofessional?"

"You took your shit with Keeley out on Jamie, but the difference is, back then, he was a willing participant. Just don't ruin your career as a coach because you and your boyfriend had a spat and broke up."

Jamie is fucking miserable. He hates being alone. Dread had already had his morning shake threatening to make a reappearance twice before he made it to the Nelson Road car park. But he had nearly two decades of hiding his pain and misery. And heartbreak couldn't be as hard as hiding bruised ribs or broken toes, right? The team didn't have to know they split. How would they know that Roy had left him? Roy wouldn't tell them. He didn't like people knowing about his life. All Jamie had to do was go in, change into his kit, do his job, and he could go home and fall apart. He jumped slightly when someone knocked on his window. 

"You good, bruv?" Isaac asks when Jamie gets out.

"Yeah, just a rough morning," Jamie says. He is already ruining his own plan. 

"Try and shake it off. We have a brutal match tomorrow," Isaac says.

"Yeah, 'course," Jamie agrees as they walk into the building. "I'm sure I'll be fine once we get on the pitch, normalcy, yeah?"

"There we go, good vibes," Isaac says as they enter the locker room. Jamie keeps his head down and goes through the motions of getting changed. He mentally talks himself through the well-rehearsed process to keep his mind from wandering so he doesn't think about anything else. He must mutter something out loud because Cockburn gives him an odd look. 

"Miss training this morning?" He asks Jamie.

"What?" Jamie asks, shocked he was so terrible at hiding shit these days. 

"You are usually a ball of energy, but you're like a…live wire today," Cockburn says.

"Oh, yeah, slept like shit, so yeah, no training." He didn't have to tell him that it was because Roy didn't want to see him anymore. That Jamie had fucked up and ruined everything again. And now he was risking fucking up the team again. And he hadn't been this anxious for training since he came back to Richmond after getting booted from Man City. Yeah, he just keeps fucking up.

"Well, channel that shit into the ball. You're good at that."

"Yeah, thanks," Jamie says before he finishes changing. When his boots are laced, he doesn't wait to be told to head out. He just does. Maybe Cockburn is right, and he can work his shit out on the pitch. He is already out warming up by the time the team joins him. He doesn't notice the way Ted and Beard look at each other as Jamie silently joins them. 

Roy does everything he can to avoid looking at Jamie. He won't admit it out loud, but he's a bit concerned about what he will see when he finally does. He hadn't missed what Cockburn had said or how Jamie had responded from where he was waiting on Ted by the office. He thinks about what his sister has said, and then Cockburn calling Jamie a live wire. But this is Jamie Tartt. Sure, he might have an off day, but he's young. He's talented. He'll bounce back in a day or two. He ignores the tiny voice of doubt in the back of his mind that points out Jamie never got over Keeley. If he did, it was because of Roy. So he might not get over it until he finds someone new. And that made something twist in Roy's stomach. The idea of Jamie with anyone hurt, even though Roy was the one that walked out. He had no right to be mad at a hypothetical version of Jamie. So he tried to focus on doing his job. He was thankful that Ted called for 11 on 11. That meant Roy wouldn't have to try and coach Jamie and the other forward players directly yet. Because he isn't sure, he is ready. That little voice is back, asking him if he ever will be. He has to finally look at Jamie when he misses an easy shot. And just looking at him, he can already tell Jamie is being harder on himself than anyone else could be. He knows that from the way Jamie waves off Dani and Sam, trying to cheer him up. Normally, Roy would go over, hype Jamie up, and get him over whatever is in his head, and it would be fine. But Roy's the problem this time. He knows it. He is the one that packed his shit and walked out on Jamie. And he can't do that to Jamie. He doesn't want to be that couple that breaks up constantly. No. He has to stay away from Jamie. It's for Jamie's own good. He's young. Being with Roy could fuck up his career. The little voice points out he already has. Jamie's a mess, missing wide-open shots and shutting out his friends. Jamie’s backslid, and it's Roy's fault. Roy really needed a drink. As soon as he got out of training, he was going to the pub. 

Jamie is wound tight like a spring and rung out like a rag by the time training ends. He doesn't say anything to anyone. He just changed and goes home. At home, he doesn't eat or even change out of his clothes. He face plants on his bed, which still kinda smells like Roy, and tries to shut his brain off. He stays there until he eventually falls asleep after hours of tossing and turning. He wakes up, and everything is dark except for his phone. His phone is ringing. 

"Hmm?" He answers.

"Jesus, Jamie, I've been trying to get a hold of you for hours. The team is freaking out. What is going on?"

"Roy broke it off," Jamie tells her.

"I'm sorry, babe, how you feeling?"

"Like shit," Jamie admits. 

"Right," Keeley says as she thinks about it. "You get some sleep tonight. I'll let Sam know we talked. He's worried. And I'll come by tomorrow night, and we can talk, yeah?"

"Okay," Jamie says. He hangs up, double-checks his alarm, and goes back to sleep. 

Roy goes to the pub but ends up just getting food and leaving. He was not in the mood to deal with annoying fans. Normally he just tells them to fuck off, but he just wants to eat his dinner and drown his sorrows. So he goes back to his sister’s, goes to her liquor cupboard, and grabs a bottle, not really caring what it is. He pours a glass of whiskey and eats his dinner. Phoebe joins him, and he goes through the motions of listening to her. He tries, but he just doesn’t have it in him to entertain her. But he doesn’t send her to her room or get mad at her. It’s her home, and he’s just crashing there. The glass doesn’t stay empty for long. He drinks a bit more than he probably should before he passes out on the couch. He wakes up with a hangover. He finds a bottle of water and painkillers left for him by his sister. And he hates himself for being so stupid and being a burden on his family. 

Jamie’s stomach threatens to reject the small breakfast he managed to eat. But like the day before, he pushes through. 

"You look like shit," Colin says when Jamie walks into the locker room to prepare for the match, they have later in the day.

"Good to see you too, Colin." 

Jamie takes a nasty tackle during the match. He is so pissed at himself that nothing anyone says registers as he makes his way to the locker room. He'd come down hard on his wrist, and it was already swelling by the time he gets to there. The med team splints it and gives him an ice pack. He sniffles when he is alone in the treatment room. A voice that sounds suspiciously like his dad mentally berates him for being weak, for being soft, and a crybaby. He looks up to see Ted approaching him.

"Should be fine in a bit, don't use me hands in the game anyway, so should be good to go in-"

"Not sure that's the best idea, Jamie. Took a heck of a hit. You should rest."

"I'd feel better if I was back out there."

"Somehow, I doubt that."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, you have been struggling before that hit. Have been since yesterday. I figured you'd talk to someone eventually, but clearly, it is starting to impact your ability to play-"

"You're benching me because of this?" He gestures to his splinted wristed.

"I'm benching you because you don't look well, Jamie. And I tried to see if you could sort it out on your own, but short of calling your mom, I'm not sure how else to get through to you. Take a day or two and try and sort yourself out. Call someone if you need to."

"You're serious," Jamie says in disbelief.

"Go home, Jamie, rest up. Heal up. Check-in with you tomorrow, okay?"

"Yes, sir," Jamie says, his tone a bit cold. He goes back to the locker room and changes out of his kit. He leaves before the team even knows he's out of the game.

"You what?!" Roy shouts at Ted.

"Sent him home, he's injured, and clearly he-"

"He needs his support network, not to be sent home to overthink every mistake he made."

"For someone that walked out on the guy, you sure seem to be mad."

Roy has no comeback for that. All he can do is send a text to Keeley asking her to check on Jamie. And Keeley leaves the match early to do so.

"When was the last time you ate?" Keeley asks him when he lets her into his flat. 

"Earlier," Jamie says.

"Did you eat after they gave you pain meds?"

"Not hungry."

"Tell that to the future ulcer in your stomach from taking painkillers on an empty stomach."

"If I eat a sandwich, can I go back to bed?" 

"Jamie, I know you are hurting, but you can't just sleep all day."

"I'm not allowed to train. I can't focus on shit. I'll heal faster if I sleep, so seems fine to me."

"You aren't resting to heal. You're depressed. I know breakups are hard, but you can't just-"

"Yes, I can," Jamie says. 

"Jamie," Keeley was shocked by how defiant he was being. He had been a prick in the past, but this felt different. This was him determined to wallow in sadness. 

"Sorry," he mutters before going to make a sandwich he didn't even want but would eat because Keeley said so. "No guarantees it stays down," he adds.

"Are you sick?" She goes over and feels his forehead, and he lets her. But he knows he isn't sick sick. It was just in his head. 

"I'm not that kind of sick," he points out. He taps his head. "It's in me head. I just, I think about having to go to training. About having to see him. About letting the team down again. I feel like I'm back trying to get accepted at Richmond all over again, but I just keep fucking up, and everyone is going to hate me. And I can't even train to be better because he was the one training me, and I try to eat, but my stomach won't let me. I try to sleep, and I can't and-" He doesn't realize he is crying until Keeley hugs him.

"It's understandable to be anxious, babe," she drags him into the living room and sits him down. She gets out and orders him something she thinks he can eat to be delivered and something for herself because she has a feeling she isn't going anywhere for now. 

After they eat, Jamie falls asleep snuggled against her on the couch. Her phone buzzes, and she checks it. She rolls her eyes. It's Roy asking if Jamie is okay for the sixth time.

Keeley: if you are so concerned why not see for yourself

Roy-o: I'll only make it worse 

Keeley: how

Roy-o: because I am the reason he is this way

Keeley: no shit

Keeley: that means you could also fix it

Keeley: you're an idiot and a right prick you're both miserable

Keeley: you could fix it for both of you but you won't 

When Roy doesn't respond, she gets frustrated. She texts Ted.

Keeley: I got Jamie to eat, take something for his wrist, and sleep.

Ted: how bad is he?

Keeley: he is an anxious and heartbroken mess that has himself worked up that he is letting the team down

Ted: which only makes it seem like he is failing more which makes it worse and he's caught in a spiral of bad. Got it. 

Keeley: I'll stay with him tonight but I have to work tomorrow.

Ted: don't sweat it. We'll handle it.

Keeley: thanks Ted

Roy is the last one in the office, and the locker room is empty. Everyone else had gone home after the game. No one was in the mood to celebrate. An injured and benched striker could really hurt their chances in the league. Roy had thrown his phone across his desk after rereading the texts from Keeley. He gets a bottle of scotch out of his desk drawer and pours himself a drink. He wanted to check on Jamie himself. He wanted to make sure that Jamie wasn’t beating himself up for someone else tackling him. But he knew he couldn’t. He had been the one that put Jamie off his game. His phone goes off. 

Ted: You’re right. He needs his team.

Ted: He will still be at training but he is not allowed to train.

Roy leaves him on read and drains the rest of his drink before heading back to his sister’s place.

Keeley is trying to coax Jamie to eat the next morning when his doorbell rings. She finds a smiling Dani Rojas and a concerned-looking Sam Obisanya. 

"Oh, hi," she gives them a tired smile.

"Coach said Jamie needed friends," Dani says. 

"And breakfast," Sam adds. 

"He does," she nods and lets them in. "Look who dropped by, Jamie." 

Jamie immediately gets up from his spot on his sofa but relaxes a bit when he sees it's just Dani and Sam. 

"Hi guys," Jamie says. 

"I have to run home before work. Text me if you need anything." She hugs Jamie. "Let them help you," she whispers to him. "They care about you like I do. Don't fight them." She feels him a nod. She gives Jamie a kiss on the cheek, which earns her a small smile. "Okay, babes, see you all later." 

"How is your wrist?" Sam asks as he sets the takeaway containers on Jamie's coffee table. Dani hands him a paper cup. And Jamie smells the lovely scent of coffee, and he almost cries because Keeley is right. His friends are there because they care. They don't hate him. He hasn't actually ruined his relationship with his teammates. Maybe it was all in his head.

"I…fuck, it's good to see you guys," Jamie says, and he does have tears in his eyes.

"Of course, mi amigo," Dani smiles. "All you have to do is ask. We will be here."

"But we cannot help you if we don't know what is wrong," Sam says. And Jamie tells them everything because he can't keep it in, and he is a fucking mess. But Dani hugs him and tells him he is okay that he isn't bad or a failure. 

"You haven't ruined anything," Sam says. "Well, nothing that cannot be fixed. If you need someone to train with, just ask. Might not be 4 in the morning, but a few extra hours could be good."

"And we can do it together," Dani agrees. "Always more fun with more friends."

"You guys would do that for me?"

"Of course we will, you are our friend and our teammate, and this could help all of us be better, but not until after your arm is healed. Until then, we can still keep you company." Sam finds the remote and turns on the TV. He finds some mindless show that will work as background noise or a distraction. And they all settle in to eat. 

A few hours later, Sam has to leave to help his dad at Ola's, but Ted swings by to take his place for a bit. Dani and Ted fill the quiet and put Jamie's mind at ease until Dani leaves in the afternoon. Leaving just Jamie and Ted. 

"How you feeling?" Ted asks as they eat a light dinner.

"Better, actually. Like my thoughts aren't so loud, and I can eat without it coming back up."

"That's good, Jamie," Ted smiles at him. "You know I didn't send you home as punishment, right? I knew you were struggling, and I was going to call and check on you after the match. I was worried, but being with the team was making it worse, so I figured you needed a breather. Maybe I should have waited until after the match, but you do need rest, Jamie. Maybe not the time away from the team, but you need to let yourself relax. And I know that being alone ain't helpful when your head gets caught up in everything, but running yourself into the ground isn't good for you. You don't have to hide it, though. No one will think less of you for being in a rut. You have friends. You haven't failed anyone. You've worried them, but the team knows that this isn't the normal you. They aren't mad. They want to help. Let your team help you."

"It's just hard because…" Jamie can't say it.

"Because Roy is there?" Ted finishes for him. Jamie nods. "I can't imagine that is easy to deal with. But you aren't alone. You have the team. They're a good buffer and a great distraction. Now that Sam and Dani know, they'll help you. Keep you out of your head. Hopefully, keep a few of the others from asking questions."

Jamie groans because he knows the whole team is going to know now, and they will probably blame Jamie or Roy, and it could get even more awkward. He doesn't want anyone to be mad at Roy. He wasn't even mad at Roy. He missed Roy, and having to see him every day didn't make it any easier not to miss him. He was so fucking close, but it wasn't the same, and it hurt Jamie's soul. 

"Jamie," Ted starts. "This is just another obstacle you have to learn to navigate. Can't be avoided, but it can be overcome. You might need a bit of a boost from your buddies, but you can, and you will get past it. It just takes time. It will get easier."

"Thanks, Coach," Jamie says. 

Roy gets a text from Ted that Roy's going to be working with the defenders and reserves for the time being. And Roy knew this was coming. When Keeley told him, he was an idiot. His sister was right. He needed to find a way to make this work, or he'd have to leave Richmond. He couldn't let his issues ruin Jamie's career. And Richmond was good for Jamie. Yeah, it was Roy's home, but Jamie thrived there. He was hours away from his fucking old man. So he was safe from that bullshit. He had friends on the team that loved him. And he had Ted. Roy could find a new team if he needed to. He didn't want to, but he wanted Jamie to get better. And he did want Jamie to get better. But fuck, he didn't know how else to fix this. Jamie deserved better. 

A few days go by of Roy coaching the defenders. He tried to ignore the way Sam and a few of the team members would look at him. It made Roy feel uneasy. Most, if not all, of the players, knew that he'd left Jamie, and that is why Jamie was struggling. They knew Roy could see Jamie suffering, and as Keeley figured, he was just being a prick by letting it go on. They didn't know that they had fought over stuff they do all the time. That Jamie would be better off with someone that wouldn't ruin his career if the press found out. That Jamie deserved to be with someone his age. The nights are filled with liquor, and Roy’s mornings are usually a blur from being hung over. 

Keeley and Sam meet Ted and Beard at the Crown and Anchor. 

"We have to do something," Keeley says as she takes a pull off her drink. "They are both miserable, but Roy thinks Jamie is better off without him, even though Jamie is clearly not better off." 

"How do you know Roy thinks that?" Beard asks.

"Because his sister told me so, that and he has been drinking more than usual, and as much as Phoebe loves having her uncle around 24/7, his sister knows it isn't good for Roy."

"Okay, so what do we do?" 

"Make them realize they are idiots in love and are at their best when they are together."

"You want to Parent Trap them?" Ted asks.

"Exactly!"  Keeley grins. 

"But how?” Sam asks. “Neither of them are parents."

"Technically, they aren't,” Keeley states. “But I know at least one child they both would do anything for, and her mum is willing to help."

Keeley drops by training with Phoebe a week later. The match the day before had been a draw, and tensions were high. But they all knew something had to give. She leaves Phoebe with Ted and goes, as planned, to see Rebecca. 

Roy has no fucking clue how it happens, but one minute his niece is fine kicking the ball around with a few players. The next moment she is crying. Jamie is, of course, faster than he is and is physically closer to her. He is there before Roy even realizes what is going on. Even with his splinted wrist, Jamie picks Phoebe up and takes her inside. Ted tells Roy to go with them, and he'll find out what happens. Roy doesn't need to be told twice. He finds them in the treatment room with the med team looking over Phoebe's ankle. She sniffles, but Jamie is on the treatment table next to her, talking her through it. Her small little hand was in his. Jamie gets up when Roy enters and looks like he is about to leave. "Your Uncle's here now. You'll be-" Jamie starts to say, but Phoebe interrupts him.

"No!" Phoebe shouts and sniffles. She whispers something neither can hear to the medic, and the medic leaves. Both Roy and Jamie gape at Phoebe as she hops down off the table and hurries out the door. It slams closed, and they hear it lock behind her. Roy tries the door, but it doesn't open.

"Phoebe, open the door," Roy demands.

"No! Not until you two fix it," Phoebe's muffled voice shouts. "You love each other. So fix it!"

"Open the door now, Phoebe!" Roy shouts, and Jamie winces at the volume in the small space. 

"No!" She repeats.

"Did we just fall into a trap set by an 8-year-old girl?" Jamie asks. And Roy grunts.

"She has a key," Roy points out. "Which means she had help."

"Is it even legal to have a door lock like this in a public building?" Jamie wonders.

"Probably not, but she had help, and if Beard was in on it, then we are fucking stuck." 

Jamie goes to put his hands in the pocket of his trackies and winces as it moves his sore wrist.

"She didn't make it worse, did she?" Roy asks, now worried Phoebe just made Jamie's life even more difficult than it already was. 

"It's fine," Jamie says, now fiddling with the velcro on the splint and staring at the floor. "She's not that heavy."

"I know," Roy starts. "But if it's bad enough you can't play, then-"

"It's fine, Roy," Jamie repeats. "It's Phoebe. Wasn't just going to sit there and do nothing."

"Even if it made your injury worse?"

"It's Phoebe, so yeah," Jamie shrugs. "You might not like me anymore, but I'm not going to-"

"Who says I don't like you anymore, Jamie?" 

"Leaving with your bag and avoid me like the plague since has made that crystal fucking clear," Jamie says. "I'm going to visit my mum after the match in Blackburn. So you can get your shit if you want."

"Jamie," Roy starts, but he doesn't know how to finish. It is awkwardly silent. Because Roy asked for this, he wanted Jamie to move on. But even when Jamie was a prick to him and literally toasted to Roy's death, it didn't hurt this much. Because he hadn’t loved Jamie back then. And now, Jamie was guarded. Cold. He made Jamie this way. 

"Thought so," Jamie muttered. He pushes past Roy to the door. "Phoebe, I know you mean well, but can you please open the door? No matter what happens, you still have me. You have my number. You can use it. And I'm not mad you tricked us. And your uncle won't be either if you open the door," Jamie kept his tone just loud enough for her to hear through the door but not in an angry shout because he wasn't mad. He was numb. It was quiet for a minute before they heard the door unlock, and then it opened. Jamie gives Phoebe a sad smile. "Thanks, Phoebs." He pats her head with his good hand. "I owe you a quid," Jamie says, and he heads to the locker room. 

"Are you mad?" Phoebe asks Roy. 

"Not at you, kid," Roy says honestly.

"Are you mad at Jamie?" She asks.

"Fuck no," Roy says. He sighs. "I'm mad at whoever gave you that key. And myself, because I think I did more damage than I thought I did."

"Oh, is Jamie's hand okay?" She asks.

"I think so," Roy assures her. "He doesn't mind if it is sore. He cares more about you than he does his wrist. And he's right. No matter what happens, you still have both of us. If you want to talk to Jamie, you can. Be kind of shitty of me to take away another person in your life."

"I know," she says, her tone sad because both Roy and Jamie were still upset.

"Let's find Keeley, and you can make her get you ice cream."

"Okay," Phoebe says. 

"Fuck you," Roy glares at Ted as he throws the key Phoebe had given him before she left with Keeley. Keeley had already received a full Roy speech about using his niece in a childish plan. Roy goes and pours himself a drink because he is beyond done. His day is fucked, and there is no way he can do without something to take the edge off. 

"Hold on, let me-" Ted starts to say, but Roy is not having it. He growls as he slams the drawer of his desk and is back in the main office. 

"Fuck both of you!" Roy shouts at Beard too. "What gives you the right to fucking do what you did? She is a fucking child. You had her fucking lie to me. My own fucking family! You risked Jamie Tartt hurting his wrist worse because, of fucking course he wasn't going to let an injury stop him from helping Phoebe. He loves her like his fucking own. If you ever think of involving Phoebe in your fucking Rom-Communism bullshit again, I will punch you in the throat. She is a child!” He glares at Ted. “You are a fucking father! You should fucking know better! And this isn't a fucking movie! Things are never that simple, and you only made it worse! Because now he fucking hates me more! Made that perfectly clear! So stay the fuck out of it!" 

Roy storms out of the office. A few players and staff members hurry to get out of his way. 

"Well, that's not good," Ted says, looking over at Beard. 

"Nope," Beard agrees.

"Hey, Ted," Keeley says later that day when she calls him. "I need to warn you that-"

"Roy is very angry, I know," Ted sighs. 

"Well, yeah, but I think we did some additional damage to Jamie." She says.

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean, I called to ask if he wanted me to pick up dinner and come see him, but he said not to bother. He just wants to get his stuff ready for Blackburn and for going to his mum's. Told me he wasn't mad, but he is just done."

"What do you mean done?" 

"I don't know," Keeley admits. "He says he cleared it with Rebecca and Higgins to take the week after the Blackburn match off. He's going to Manchester. Just wanted to give you a heads up."

They load the bus for the 4-hour drive to Blackburn, and it is oddly subdued compared to the normal liveliness of the team. Everyone knows Jamie wasn't going to be returning with them. He'll be at the game, but he is taking the train to Manchester after. Jamie had assured his friends he'd be back in Richmond after a week. He didn't see his mum much, and with his wrist being fucked anyway, he was going to stay with her. 

The trip there was an uneasy one. 

Jamie and Dani Rojas shared a room. Normally he roomed with Sam or even Roy, but Sam had admitted to helping Phoebe with her plan, and Jamie had said he wasn't mad, but he still wasn't happy. He forgave Sam before the match, but nothing changed.

Roy paces around his hotel room after the match. Jamie had told him he was going to see his mum. But knowing he was and seeing him leave were two very different things. He had watched the team say goodbye. Some members of the team gave Roy pitying looks, and a couple of them glared at him. But Jamie had barely looked at Roy. And that had Roy's chest feeling painfully tight. He still loved Jamie. He couldn’t deny it. He’d already eaten the food he ordered and more than one beer. Only stopping when he realized how stupid it was to keep drinking like that. Jamie didn’t mind if the people in his life drank. But he was not a fan of drunks. Jamie’s father had thrown a few too many bottles at him while pissed. Roy ended up leaving the rest of the pack in the hotel room fridge untouched. He needed to get his shit together and drink until he passes out because of the idea of falling asleep without Jamie beside him fucking hurt. 

After a mostly sleepless night, Roy made a decision. He had everything set before most of the team was probably even awake. He went and knocked on Ted's door. 

"I am going to Manchester."

"What?" Ted was half awake.

"I'm going to Manchester. I won't be on the bus."

"Going after Jamie?" Ted asked hopefully.

"Might end up a fucking disaster, but I'm going to go."

"Good luck," Ted says. "Let me know how it goes."

Jamie thinks he's losing his mind when his mum answers the door, and he can swear he hears Roy. He makes his way to the hall and hears her arguing with someone. When he rounds the corner to the stairs, he freezes. It was Roy. 

Roy's eyes meet his, and he can see how tired Roy looks. 

"Fine," Jamie hears his mum say. "But you upset him, and I will throw you out. This is my house."

"Understood," Roy says, looking back at Georgie. She disappears down the hall and into the kitchen. Roy steps further into the entryway and closes the door behind him. He looks up at Jamie again.

"Hi," Roy says.

"Eh…hi," Jamie says. "What are you doing here?" 

"Can we talk?" 

"Sure," Jamie makes his way down the rest of the stairs and leads Roy to the living room. Jamie waits silently.

"I don't want to get my shit. I don't want to find a new flat. I…want to go home."

"You want me to move?" Jamie asks, annoyance in his tone. 

"Fuck no," Roy says. "Not really home if you aren't there." 

Jamie just stares at him. Roy sighs.

"Phoebe was right. I need to fix this." Roy gestures between Jamie and himself. "I know I fucked up. I just keep thinking you would be so much better off with anyone else. Someone that isn't an angry and broken idiot."

"But what if I don't want anyone else? What if I'm happy with an angry and broken idiot?"

"Are you happy?" Roy asks bluntly.

"Been a shitty few fucking weeks," Jamie says. "But I was happy before that."

"Even when I pick fights for stupid reasons?" Roy asks.

"Even then, because when we fight it out, the sex is fucking awesome," Jamie grins but it fades. "Not so much when you leave and don't come back. Even when you had the chance." 

"I didn't want to make things harder for you," Roy admits.

"Harder? Roy, I couldn't eat or sleep unless Keeley, Sam, or Dani stayed with me. I fucked up my wrist and couldn't even play. It was already too fucking hard. And after what happened with Phoebe, I didn't even want to see them. I just shut down. Went numb."

Roy grimaces. "I thought it would be better for you in the long run if you had the team. You would find someone new."

"I don't want anyone new!" Jamie shouts. "I just want you."

"I know but-"

He is cut off by Jamie grabbing his wrist and dragging Roy upstairs to his childhood bedroom. "Fucking look!" Jamie gestures to Roy's poster on the wall. "I told you I fucking loved you. Loved watching you play. Then I said I love you for you. Fucked up knee and-" Jamie goes over and takes the plastic whistle off the wall. "And your stupid fucking allergy to whistles." He throws it at Roy. He points at the poster again. "You fucking think I would want anyone else? I used to fucking dream of this, you fucking prick. Quit trying to fucking fight me, and let me love you."

Roy stares at the whistle as everything Jamie just said sinks in. Jamie loves every version of Roy. He can see that now. And it's a violent and terrifying feeling of love at times. But he feels it. And Roy is moving before he even knows what he's doing, but he just needs to be with Jamie. He feels like shit when Jamie isn't there. He pulls Jamie in and kisses him. 

"I can't fucking sleep either," Roy tells him. "Could only drink until I could actually sleep. Seeing you struggle and not being able to help was eating away at my fucking heart. Fucking shattered it when you told me you wanted me to move out."

"I never wanted you to leave, and if I was there when you came to get your stuff, I'm not sure I could have kept it together. I'd have lost my shit and either begged you to stay or just cry. So I gave you an out."

"I don't want an out," Roy puts a hand on Jamie's cheek and wipes away a few stray tears that were there. "I want you to be happy."

"I'm happy with you, you fucking bellend." Jamie kisses him desperately, hoping to make his point. "No one is ever happy all the time, not even Ted. It's how you handle the shit times that matters. You can't just run away, Roy."

"I know, and I won't. Not like this. Not again." Roy holds him close. 

"Fucking good," Jamie says. He even nudges Roy until the older man is sitting on his bed. Jamie goes over and kicks his door closed. "Now fucking prove it."

"Fulfilling those childhood dreams of yours?" Roy grins. 

"Fuck yeah," Jamie says as he straddles Roy's hips. 

"I fucking missed you," Roy growls before pulling Jamie into a kiss. 

"Missed you too," Jamie says against his lips.

"Fucking love you, you know that, right?" Roy grunts when Jamie shifts his weight, and he hits Roy's clothed and half-hard dick. 

"Yeah, I do," Jamie grins. "Fucking love you too. Now shut up before my mum hears you." Jamie kisses him. Roy swallows Jamie's moan when in a quick move, Roy pins him to the bed. 

If Jamie's mum hears them, she doesn't say anything when they finally make it back downstairs. She gives Roy another lecture about taking care of her son before telling Roy he is welcome to stay. Roy thanks her but says he booked a hotel. She even serves him tea.

"For how long?" Jamie asks.

 "Didn't want to assume you'd just accept me back," Roy says. "Or that your parents would even let me in."

"Thought you'd have to prove it, yeah?" Jamie says. The striker smirks when Roy chokes on his tea. Jamie had told him to prove it in his bedroom, and Roy had fucked Jamie under Roy's Chelsea poster.

"Goodness, Roy," Jamie's mum took the mug of tea from him as he coughed. "Are you alright?"

Roy nods. His eyes were watering. "Yeah, I'm good," Roy manages when he can breathe again. "Sorry," he says. 

"No need to apologize. Just try not to inhale it this time," Georgie insists. She hands him back the mug. 

"Thanks," Roy says. Jamie laughs. 

"Fucking finally," Someone says as Roy and Jamie walked into the locker room together a week later. 

"Fuck off," Roy glares.

"We're just happy for you," Sam says. "Feeling better?" He asks Jamie. 

"Yeah, thanks, mate," Jamie grins and puts his hand over his heart. "Didn't know you all missed me so much. I'm touched." 

That earns a mix of laughs and boos.

"Well, I'm glad you are back, mi amigo," Dani hugs him.

Jamie hugs him back. "Me too, mate, me too." 

[bpdmaxxer]

I hate that I need validation for my trauma

Like I didn’t have a mental breakdown so bad yesterday over my flashbacks my mom called the hospital

And yet I still question if I’m being to dramatic was it really that deep? Was it really sa? I don’t even remember enough

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

tw bullying

suspected npd + ptsd + low self esteem culture is getting just a little bit more confident in yourself and then being a little more comfortable with asking people to do or not do xyz because you have a good reason. then being told "you just have to be the center of attention" and having flashbacks to grade school where your "friends" beat you black and blue for that reason.

but uh oh, my other biggest narc trait is that i self sacrifice for attention. you're watching tv really loud? no, it's fine, i have a migraine but wtv. oh, you wanted to talk about this subject? it's extremely triggering for me, but go on ahead! ...why the fuck aren't you asking if im okay. do i actually have to let myself have a breakdown over this fucking shit? im not that weak. im not that pathetic. why wont you notice me.

.